I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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