i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
