matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
