i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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