im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
