I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
