i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
