On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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