So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
