you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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