i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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