I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
