why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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