If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
