Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
