I accidentally burped into my bong.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
