why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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