all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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