shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
