Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
