She went from zero to smokin in five shots
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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