WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just high enough for therapy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
