I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
