I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
