I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
