Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
