I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
