Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
