well you can't waste a boner
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my shit smells like andre
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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