I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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