Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
