Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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