yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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