All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
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After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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