Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
