i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
