I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
