My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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