My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
