You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
