my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
