My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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