No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Is it penis luge time yet?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
