you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
