so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
