Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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