i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Is it because I queefed?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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