This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
