i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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