Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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