after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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