Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
