saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
