Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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