Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm at about main and main street
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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