Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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