fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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