This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
