anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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