We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
