so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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