3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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