Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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