just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
