Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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