The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
