so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
