I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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